Fark fark fark a duck… Yes that just sums things up perfectly at the moment and god it sucks. I have that empty void again. A lack of thought, attention, concentration, motivation… pretty much what drove me to do things I like has… gone…. diminished… exited my body for somewhere else I don’t know.
I picked up a paper clip, twirled it round in my fingers thinking, just thinking about nothing in particular. This time is different. I don’t feel like I’m going to snap/crack one day, but rather I’ll sucumb to my feelings (what my brain is saying). Sometimes it gets to me that I can’t talk to anyone about what’s eating away at me (which I don’t even know!). My mum is always going to be my mum as such, but shes not *like* a mum. My dad, he’s like both my mum and dad (if that makes any sense), but in the end he’s still my dad. My brother, well we are two totally different people (at opposite ends of the spectrum really). Everyone else? I really don’t know. Theres only a few people I’d talk too maybe (less than the fingers on one hand), but even then…. times have changed,
The meaning and purpose in life (like as in hamlet), family, uni play parts I think… maybe. Uni is cool, I love the subjects we’re doing, and I like going to uni to learn and stuff. Even assignments are cool, because I llike stuff life that. But that where it ends. As much as I didn’t like going to school, I think school was better…maybe just a bit only. It’s only a matter of time now… I am more in control my minds thoughts when they run wild now, but like said, its just a matter of time till they overpower me. Soon, real soon I can feel it. At least I don’t feel like falling into a deep dark whole forever and ever. That must be something right?